“The right decision doesn’t always feel good.”
“The high road is a lonely road.”
“I don’t make you feel anything.”
That last one has nearly caused smoke to come out of my children’s ears! They tell me I’m ignoring their feelings or avoiding my role in creating a hurt or unpleasant emotion. My intent, however, is the opposite—I want them to understand that while I care deeply about their emotions, I don’t cause them. They have agency and choice in how they respond.
Still, their reactions made me curious enough to dig deeper—to understand how this phrase, “I don’t make you feel anything,” can land so differently depending on the context.
At its core, the statement is about personal emotional responsibility—the idea that while another person’s words or actions can trigger a feeling, our emotional reaction ultimately comes from within us.
But here’s the tricky part: this phrase can be interpreted in both healthy and unhealthy ways.
From a self-growth standpoint, the phrase serves as a reminder that we are not passive victims of others’ behavior. It encourages us to recognize our own power over our emotional state.
In this context:
Of course, this same phrase can also be used in a toxic or dismissive way.
When said defensively or without empathy, “I don’t make you feel anything” can become a way to:
The truth is—both perspectives hold some validity.
Humans are social creatures. We do impact one another. Our actions, tone, and choices can be deeply felt by those around us. But at the same time, we remain responsible for how we manage our own emotional responses.
A healthy approach honors both realities:
An empathetic partner, friend, or parent doesn’t dismiss emotion by saying, “I don’t make you feel anything.” Instead, they listen, validate, and then work together toward understanding and repair.
Here lies the heart of it for me.
The way I respond—or don’t respond—is shaped by my own experiences, my upbringing, and my life story. And the same is true for everyone else. Each of us brings our own lens to every interaction.
But between those two perspectives—mine and theirs—exists a middle, liminal space. That’s where connection can happen. It’s where we can meet, not to be right, but to understand.
So, in the future, when one of my kids says, “You made me feel…,” I can start with empathy and validation—because their feelings matter. Then I can share my perspective, inviting us both to learn from the experience.
After all, life gives us endless opportunities to practice these lessons.
If you find yourself caught in similar emotional loops—repeating patterns or reactions with the same people—it might be time to explore what’s underneath.
Therapy or Reiki can be powerful tools to help you uncover those themes, release old emotional patterns, and create more space for alignment, peace, and authentic connection.