As a mental health therapist and energy worker, I love and value a good wallow. The chance to feel...
“The right decision doesn’t always feel good.”
“The high road is a lonely road.”
“I don’t make you feel anything.”
That last one has nearly caused smoke to come out of my children’s ears! They tell me I’m ignoring their feelings or avoiding my role in creating a hurt or unpleasant emotion. My intent, however, is the opposite—I want them to understand that while I care deeply about their emotions, I don’t cause them. They have agency and choice in how they respond.
Still, their reactions made me curious enough to dig deeper—to understand how this phrase, “I don’t make you feel anything,” can land so differently depending on the context.
The Meaning Behind the Phrase
At its core, the statement is about personal emotional responsibility—the idea that while another person’s words or actions can trigger a feeling, our emotional reaction ultimately comes from within us.
But here’s the tricky part: this phrase can be interpreted in both healthy and unhealthy ways.
The Healthy, Accountable Perspective
From a self-growth standpoint, the phrase serves as a reminder that we are not passive victims of others’ behavior. It encourages us to recognize our own power over our emotional state.
In this context:
- Our internal beliefs and values shape our emotions. How we interpret an event—through our needs, expectations, and worldview—determines how we feel about it.
- External factors are stimuli, not causes. Someone’s words or actions might trigger a reaction, but they don’t directly “make” us angry, sad, or happy.
- Emotional responsibility is empowering. When we own our feelings, we reclaim our power instead of handing it over to someone else’s behavior.
The Unhealthy or Dismissive Use
Of course, this same phrase can also be used in a toxic or dismissive way.
When said defensively or without empathy, “I don’t make you feel anything” can become a way to:
- Avoid accountability. It can deflect criticism and sidestep the consequences of one’s actions.
- Invalidate another’s emotions. It might suggest that someone’s reaction is exaggerated or wrong—which can border on gaslighting.
- Shift blame. It can imply the other person is “too sensitive,” rather than acknowledging how one’s actions played a role in the dynamic.
The Nuanced Middle Ground
The truth is—both perspectives hold some validity.
Humans are social creatures. We do impact one another. Our actions, tone, and choices can be deeply felt by those around us. But at the same time, we remain responsible for how we manage our own emotional responses.
A healthy approach honors both realities:
- Another person’s actions can hurt, and those feelings are real and valid.
- How we process and respond to those feelings is still our responsibility.
An empathetic partner, friend, or parent doesn’t dismiss emotion by saying, “I don’t make you feel anything.” Instead, they listen, validate, and then work together toward understanding and repair.
The Liminal Space of Understanding
Here lies the heart of it for me.
The way I respond—or don’t respond—is shaped by my own experiences, my upbringing, and my life story. And the same is true for everyone else. Each of us brings our own lens to every interaction.
But between those two perspectives—mine and theirs—exists a middle, liminal space. That’s where connection can happen. It’s where we can meet, not to be right, but to understand.
In Practice (a Note to My Kids and Myself)
So, in the future, when one of my kids says, “You made me feel…,” I can start with empathy and validation—because their feelings matter. Then I can share my perspective, inviting us both to learn from the experience.
After all, life gives us endless opportunities to practice these lessons.
If This Resonates…
If you find yourself caught in similar emotional loops—repeating patterns or reactions with the same people—it might be time to explore what’s underneath.
Therapy or Reiki can be powerful tools to help you uncover those themes, release old emotional patterns, and create more space for alignment, peace, and authentic connection.
